I wish I could remember the exact quote, but I don't. It went something like this, "If you are going to live for Christ, you have to be willing to be misunderstood." One of my dearest friends, Andi, shared with me this quote which she had been challenged by. I just remember thinking, "Wow! That is hard." This whole idea of being misunderstood is still hard for me.
I love words. Anyone that knows me knows that I will tell the whole backstory to any little thing just so you understand why I am telling you about something. I remember my first Christmas with my husband's family...I think I wore some of them out trying to share with them why some of the items he gave me were so funny. I just wanted them to know a little about me, a little about us. They lived far away and didn't really get to see us in our new life together, and they didn't really know me at all. In addition to backstory, I also tend to replay past conversations in my head trying to find what else I could have said to get my point across more effectively. I think I want to learn from those conversations so I don't make the same mistake again.
I realized after my last post that if my blog is going to reflect me, and my relationship with Christ, I am going to have to be okay with the fact that I am not perfect and with people possibly misunderstanding my words or motives. My last post referenced a song that I love. It is a reminder to me of the reason I work at my marriage, and why I need to be diligent in guarding my thoughts and actions in every area. Although I usually think about my posts for quite a while and edit and re-edit them over and over (I am currently on my fourth time reading through this one, and this is just a note in my iPod right now!), in that post I thought I would share what I was thinking without the barrage of edits and re-writes. When I looked the next day, I had a few comments. One was from a friend that was a great reminder along the lines of the adage "when you point the finger at someone else, there are three more pointing at you". I don't think she meant it as a rebuttal of anything I had said, but I immediately thought, "oh, that is not what I meant by...". I went back and typed up a comment that explained the "back story". I still think that my heart in the whole matter could be misunderstood if you were reading my blog from a different background or point of view. So, in five years you may find me with a thoughtful look on my face...I will be trying to figure out what my post or follow up comment should have said.
Am I okay with being misunderstood? It was a little surprising to me to find that I am still struggling with that question. Who knew I still wanted everyone to be happy with me and to like me? Didn't that insecurity end with adulthood? Shouldn't it have ended when I realized I was blessed and contented with my life? I guess not.
So, I just want to say: I am going to write what I think and what I feel. I will not always be right. I may sound judgmental. I once took a character test to see who I was most like in the Bible...I didn't even know who Deborah was, at the time. She was a judge, and I can't say that I am really surprised that answer came up for me. I see issues in black and white, so sounding judgemental when I talk about them is just one of the rough spots God is still working on in me. While I see issues in black and white, I don't see people that way. I may disagree with you, but I will still accept you. I may heatedly debate a point, only to see your side later. It is just the way my mind works. I am always open to feedback that I will carry into my prayer closet and ask God about. I trust Him to guide me into all truth, even if it turns out that I was wrong about something.
So, I will keep writing. I will keep sharing my thoughts. Just don't be surprised if you see them change and shift over time. God isn't finished with me, yet, and I am so grateful for his patient guidance.
